Recently, Olive and I have seen more than our share of embarrassing situations involving overzealous boys.
Public Service Announcement: STOP TRYING SO HARD.
Here is a brief summary of the most recent Chazzers:
Chaz The original Chaz. Tries too hard, yet accuses us of being shallow. Makes behind-the-back slams against his friends in whom we’ve expressed interest. We just might be shallow, but it’s most definitely not your place to tell us that, sir! Plus…we never were enthralled by your conversations about (a) fonts, (b) street lamps, or (c) how nobody wants to golf with you. Perhaps (a) and (b) are responsible for your whining about (c).
Titmouse In addition to his bird-like methods of sneaking a not-subtle peek, he followed up with this instant message exchange with Ivana.
Titmouse: well then how about you get us to hang out, as we planned
Ivana: wait wait wait
Titmouse: and if one night is all its gonna be
Titmouse: i guess i’ll just be okay with that
Ivana: we did not PLAN for me to make y’all hang out
Ivana: this is not jr high, I will not set up my friends
Needless to say, Mr. Titmouse has made one too many assumptions about his chances with Olive.
Emo Ex He used to be awesome. Very awesome. Then he broke Ivana’s heart for some frumpy British chick. When things didn’t work out with that diversion, he came back to Ivana…and proceeded to be excessively lame. We tried to entertain him and introduce him to our friends, but he was virtually silent the whole night. All he wanted to do was wax nostalgic over how we used to be. Sorry Emo Boy, no amount of your misty-eyed proclamations of love and heartache will win back this Trixie.
Meathead McBeerdick Jocks are good. Cute jocks are very good. Played football? Rugby? Lacrosse? We like you. But if you drink so much that you’re non-functional, we’re not very impressed. Once is forgiveable. Twice? That sounds like a personal problem. So despite your popularity in the Wrigleyville bars, you fail in other (important) areas.
Oh Chads, we miss your pleasant company. Save us from the doucebags, please!